I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
