Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
