Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
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