I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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