my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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