Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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