I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
