I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
