if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
