I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
