Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize