Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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