every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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