How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
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