What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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