Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
3 2 1 whiskey
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
