took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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