Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
