you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
