thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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