I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
tell me about the fingering
Randomize