you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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