did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
