you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
