She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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