went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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