My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
