Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
where are you?
Hypothermia
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
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