Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
