it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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