two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
