I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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