i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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