he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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