it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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