I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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