tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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