So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
MIDGETS
????
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
