6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
