I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
