You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
