Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
