so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
