You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
