the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
