mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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