I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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