I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
