You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
