I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
