I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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