my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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