she looked like the before picture.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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