I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
