Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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