One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
