I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
