If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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