i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
