I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
